The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Green mimosas i think yes
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
