I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
