I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
