i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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