It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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