The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
