I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
