Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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