just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
