I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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