got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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