Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
