My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
