i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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