I wish my penis had an off switch
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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