Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
