Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
