xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
