flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
