She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
