false alarm. still invincible.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
