Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
