and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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