I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
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And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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