why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
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