An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
