rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
