she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
