I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
