shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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