i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
