Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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