I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
