im drinking this country out of the recession.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
