they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
