I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
