Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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