That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Even my vagina gasped.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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