If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're like the curious george of whores
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
