'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
