my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
