so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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