it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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