I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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