Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
