I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
