I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
