I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
