Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
