I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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