I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I wish there were birth control emojis
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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