Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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