How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
